Tick, Tock

Today I am forty seven.

Yahhh (in a flat, monotonal voice)

A busy weekend 'cos there are a number of birthdays in the family and a few of very close friends of the family. So yesterday it was lunch with my dad and his wife, and then straight to dinner for my nephew. And Sunday friends came around to give me my pressy early and then I went shopping for the present for yesterdays lunch. Saturday was mostly sleeping, of course. Aren't all Saturdays? Fortunately Australia has a long weekend just for this, but I took today off work as well.

So, 47 and feeling as if my life so far has been meaningless and empty.

I really don't know why I do this, why keep trying to make something of life when so many attempts have failed? Some forlorn dream of finding meaning, of finding love that actually lasts, that doesn't end in betrayal, of one day having children, or leaving something that will survive me. Why do we do this? Because if we don't then we have nothing?

I don't know, my brother seems quite happy just rolling along, enjoying the drugs and alcohol, not seeking anything deeper, not leaving children. I have friends that are okay with that, as long as they get some drugs, have some fun, get some sex, everything else is bearable.

But I really want more from life. If I had the good fortune to have been born into, or the sense when I was much younger to have moved to, a society where such plans were more the norm, then I would probably have been happy for most of my life. But chance, misfortune, laziness or plain stupidity, have dictated otherwise.

So, I am 47, I still dream to build a happy, fulfilling life, I am probably misguided in that, I acknowledge this.