My First Saturday

Arrrgggghhhh!!!!
I don't know if it is Windows or my Z-board, but one of them is pissing me off!
This happens in Word a lot; I type too fast for Microsoft to keep up, Word keeps thinking that I have hit some special key combination and locks me into things. Thinking the 'research' key has been hit is the worst, and I can't just turn of Word and start again, no, it's a full reboot.
Now Firefox has just done it on me. It didn't require a full reboot, just a restart of the application, and I have just let it upgrade itself, so I am tempted to think it is the software, not my gaming keyboard.

Anyhow...

Yes, I skipped another day.
No, not another killer migraine, just actually working.
As in packing furniture into my shipping container. It is Saturday morning, Radar is asleep still (hey, it's only 8 am), but yesterday we got the lounge suite (except the two stand-alone recliners) and the entertainment system cupboard. In a way I feel almost half a day ahead of schedule.

Maggie was in and washed my dishes (amongst other things) and I will pack my plates etc today and from now on it is eating off plastic. Also today I empty my clothes cupboards and load them. Then there will only be the recliners, the gym set, my sister's huge corner unit that is in my shed, and this computer desk. Not too much to expect achievable for two days. And I think that it will all fit.

Some people expect problems with my ex being my cleaner, but we get along well and it works. It has some benefits, she knows me and how I like things.

A strange shock last night. No, I didn't close my Russian mail brides accounts - too busy. I got a letter (well, a translated email) from Ekaterina; long long blonde hair, pale blue eyes, incredibly beautiful, eighteen. It was a letter from her that went something like; I am back from my seaside vacation blah blah, do you want to repair? I think that it will take some time.

Now what is that meant to mean?
So I said something like: I don't quite understand what you have said, but it sounds like good-bye.
And then made the decision to close the accounts, but true to form didn't actually do anything.

Now she writes something like; I don't understand your reaction, I didn't write that I don't want to communicate with you! I really want to communicate with you. You are a nice man. And then a bit about the nice flowers that I have sent her.

Yes, nice flowers.
As I think I wrote earlier, I get about ten or so new letters a day, so lots of girls. And generally I replied to a few, but on a very small number of occasions I have actually initiated contact (egads!! that is so unlike me I know, I am so introverted, hence the weirdness of me blogging), but these couple of 'relationships' (for want of a better word) never fared well. So I generally only bothered replying, after all, I know that this girl is interested in me to some degree, isn't she? But with Ekaterina (or Katya as she has told me that I can call her) I wanted her, wanted her soooo much!!!!! But I knew that any simple letter that I sent her would probably get lost in the what-ever-it-is-that-letters-get-lost-in. So I started by sending her three dozen red roses :)

And she replied, a little slowly, her reply letters always take at least a week.
But I was so happy that I sent her another four dozen red roses!
Then I felt that maybe red was wearing thin, so I sent her three dozen pink roses.

So yes, lots of nice flowers.

Immediately after the first flowers, timed so that she gets flowers with a short note saying something like "I really like you and want to get to know you" and then the letter, was the longest letter that I have ever written a girl, trying to say absolutely everything about me and about what I want etc. And throughout this there have been another dozen letters.

It was my plan to visit her. Go to SG for a couple of weeks, lodge my visa application, then on to Ukraine (Kharkov), via Germany most likely since my experience with Turkish Airlines the last time I visited Ukraine (Odessa) was totally horrible (and given what I saw at Istanbul Airport I don't understand why any civilised nation would let planes fly from Turkey - there is no security worth the name). Spend two or three weeks with my Katya, then return for two or three weeks in SG again.

Yes, there were some backup plans in case it didn't work with her, other girls that I could see, other cities in Ukraine that I could go to. But Ekaterina was my focus.

But headgames are not something that I want in my life any more.
I think that I will give myself a couple of days to think about this, and to cool down, and then maybe I will explain to her that we can continue, but maybe my plans to visit Ukraine to see her have now been delayed and for business reasons I have to still visit Singapore.

My experience last time leads me to think that email relationships, i.e. trying to find a partner via the web, doesn't work very well. I think, given my experiences with email relationships and my experiences on my last trip to Ukraine, that it is better to go there and meet girls there. Use a website, yes, but go there, then search the site for girls in the city that you are in, then phone them via the site and ask to meet them.

Although last time this gave me Daria. And it was all on whilst I was there, she was going to marry me and we were going to have three children, but when I came back here and tried to continue the relationship (via private email, not via the site) it just cooled off very quickly. I think that young girls need you to be in their face to hold their attention.

And yes, now you are going to say that I should try marrying a girl with some more maturity. Perhaps even a 'woman' rather than a 'girl'. Logically you are right, but when eighteen year old girls are telling me that they were born to make happy then it does kind of grab my attention.

So where am I?

I don't know, I am too confused, and to be honest when a pretty young girl comes on to me then my brain does stop working. Logically I am being stupid and I have wasted two years of my life on this wild goose chase. Not that I had anything else to occupy either my time or my money during this couple of years, and I did enjoy my holiday to Odessa, it was so mind expanding to experience being in a country where hardly anyone speaks English.

But I cannot change the past. If I could then wouldn't the best action that I could have taken been to have left Australia in my early to mid thirties instead of now in my mid forties? But if I keep following that line of thought I inevitably end up at wishing that I had been still-born, or more usually that it had worked when I first did something that I seriously thought would kill me when I was eleven or twelve - after all, what were the next thirty years except pain and misery? You see what happens when you have a childhood without affection and loving support? When the only time your parents touch you is to beat the shit out of you, the only time they talk to you is to either tell you to do something or tell you that you are stupid for getting it wrong. My first 'driving' lesson? Being put on a tractor when I was ten and told to drive between the rows of hay so my father could fork it up onto the trailer, no instruction whatsoever, and me crying my eyes out because my expectation was that when I got this wrong I was going to get the shit beaten out of me again. It kind of make you grow up with deep-seated issues.

Actually, just to frighten you, I truly believe that both of my parents were better parents then their parents. Make you wonder about Australian society?

I spent a lot of time (and effort) building a good relationship with my mother when I was in my late twenties. I didn't speak to my father for twenty five years from when I was seventeen, and although over the last few years I have tried to build some sort of relationship with him there isn't really much there. Yes, there was a specific incident at seventeen that caused that rift, a specific incident involving my first girlfriend.

Which brings me where?
Nowhere, but Radar is up, so I am going to start emptying my drawers and then move them into the container, then this afternoon disassemble the gym set and pack it as well.

Actually there is something there. Maybe now you understand one small part of why I am doing this. You will be thinking that so many people just go work or live somewhere else, no big deal. But I always over think things, it's not enough for me to want to just try living somewhere, I have to build it all up into concepts that encompass entire societies.